Learning how to ask for help
In a world that prioritises independence
Hi friends,
When was the last time you asked for help? How did you find it? Was it difficult or easy?
For me, asking for help is hard. It certainly does not come naturally to me.
Independence and self sufficiency were values engrained in me growing up. Being the older sibling, the responsible one, cemented those values in me even more.
Asking for help is not something we are taught. As babies, we cried and cried till our parents tended to us. In school, they encourage you to raise your hand for the correct answer not to ask for help. The older you get, the more you are expected to figure things out on your own.
Being vulnerable and open is hard. Walking into the light is difficult when you have grown accustomed to the darkness. Research has shown that people of all ages, even as young as 7 years old, fear that asking for help will make them look weak, inferior and incompetent. Others may worry about being rejected or burdening others with their pain.
But loneliness kills. We have another epidemic on our hands. Research has shown that loneliness impairs your immune response, increases inflammation, increases risk for Alzheimer’s, depression, heart disease and early death.
So, I’ve been working on unlearning hyper-independence in the last few years. And I’m happy to say that I’ve made significant progress in this area.
Here is what I’ve learned along the way:
1) People are generally willing to help.
We often underestimate how much people are willing to help us. We hold a pessimistic view of humans around us even if they’ve never refused to help us in the past. It is understandable why we hesitate due to the fear of judgment or rejection. But studies have shown that most people will help if you ask, otherwise referred to as prosocial behaviour. The studies have even shown that this behaviour is automatic or intuitive rather than controlled. There is no clear consensus of why that is but it could be because they want to build a good relationship with you or make themselves feel good. Of course, I’m not saying that all people will be helpful (we do tend to be very self serving). But all you need is one person. Getting one person (a friend, family member, therapist, stranger) to listen and help will drastically improve your chances to feel less alone.
2) Asking for help is a habit that requires time and effort to develop.
Knowing that I should ask for help is a good first step, but actually asking for support when I need it takes a lot of practice. Rewiring my brain to get comfortable with asking for help takes time and was implemented into my habits, just like drinking more water or eating more veggies and fruits. Just as you do with any habit you would like to implement, you should practice in a simpler context to familiarise yourself with asking. Start with asking for advice on a particular restaurant or outfit, then build up to more sensitive and serious topics. Treat it as a lifelong skill that you will continue to need in order to build stronger and deeper connections and invest in building it now.
3) You may receive unhelpful advice sometimes but it shouldn’t discourage you from asking.
There can be many times where you receive terrible, hurtful and unhelpful advice which may lead you to feel even more alone or vulnerable. Unfortunately, the saying: hurt people hurt people rings true here. The feedback may not be helpful because people can project their own insecurities and judgments onto you and may not have your best interests at heart. It’s difficult to bounce back from those experiences. But a way I’ve found that worked for me was to thank them and take their advice with a grain of salt. Once you thank them, you are essentially closing the conversation to prevent further judgment and it signals to them that you’ve taken their opinions into consideration. Even though you don’t take on any of their suggestions or rely on them for support in the future, you appreciate their effort and move on to find better and more positive support.
4) Accept the help when you are offered the help
Once you take the step to ask for help or someone close to you notices that you are not okay, you should accept the help. You may feel uncomfortable or ashamed after receiving what you asked for, but try your best to invite them into your life. Research shows that receiving help from others unlocks positive social connections and emotional closeness that will greatly impact your physical and mental health. Give your friend the opportunity to be there for you.
I wouldn’t say that my tendency to tackle things alone will ever go away completely. But I hope that all my training will not go to waste. I intend to keep building this up so that my will to reach out and ask for support overpowers and stifles any temptation to go solo.
How do you feel about asking for help? If you are going through anything at the moment, don’t struggle or be in pain alone. Reach out to someone you trust or message me - I’m here to listen and help!
This week’s collection
⛰️Activity: Hiking
I went on my first hike (Quarry Bay to Tai Hang via Red Incense Burner Summit) this year last week and it was so nice. I missed being in nature and exploring new hikes and views. I recently received a new hiking backpack for my birthday so I’m looking forward to going on more hikes this year to make use of it.
📻Podcast: The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett episode: 5 Scientific Rules for Making & Breaking Habits in 2023!
I always enjoy episodes of this podcast and this was no exception. It was the perfect episode to listen to at the start of the year when all your resolutions/goals are fresh in your mind. I will be touching on some of what I learned in this podcast in future newsletters so stay tuned!
📎Accessory: Claw clips
I know I’m late on the trend but I finally understand why claw clips are so popular. I didn’t get into claw clips before because my claw clips were too small and my hair was too heavy. But now putting my hair in a clip is way easier and more gentle than tying my hair up. I especially love using them when I’m lifting!
In case you missed it: In last week’s newsletter, I wrote about planning for the new year to set yourself up for success.
A question for you!
What is one surprising thing you learned about yourself recently?
Always open to learning more and hearing from you 😊
Thanks for reading!
Stay inspired,
Viv